Press Releases from Wipeout Fusion
This is a list of press release documents from Wipeout Fusion. 10-03-2160 : THE OFFICIAL F9000 THEME SONG OF 2160 The Official Theme Song of the 2160 anti-gravity league season was unveiled at a ceremony in Monaco yesterday. Called 'Reach For Your Dreams (Unless They're Unrealistic)' the song is said to be a 'throbbing pop rock anthem with elements of free jazz', and is performed by the top-selling Dutch foursome Tight Pant. Lead singer Sturton Blouse dedicated the song "to all those anti-grav pilots who will be flying into our hearts sometime soon." NOTE: The Official Theme Song is not to be confused with the Official Musical Theme of the Championships, a five note sequence called 'Descending Harmonic Pattern IV' written by the modern classical composer Lloyd Egg. 28-03-2160 : ROUTINE DRUG TESTS Routine drug tests carried out on this season's F9000 pilots have produced some interesting results. Analysis of compounds found in the pilots' urine reveals that 15 per cent of them enjoy chocolate snacks at least three times a day; 36 per cent wash under their arms only twice a week; while a staggering 92 per cent of them cannot pee while being watched by a scientist. A spokesman for the Chocolate Marketing Board said the findings were "promising". 17-04-2160 : ROBERTO SERGIO'S SECRETS REVEALED Roberto Sergio, lead pilot with G-Tech Systems, has revealed one of the secrets of his success as a top anti-grav pilot. Interviewed in 'Get You' magazine, he admits "I drink 3 litres of Rex-S energy compound every morning. It's a calorie intensive soup made from 100 per cent melted dog fat. I stir in a powdered egg cube and that keeps me going all day." 21-04-2160 : THE WAR OF WORDS CONTINUES The war of words between Xios International's Director General Didier Humeau and Auricom boss Gideon Oldfield continues. Humeau has been taunting Oldfield about the departure of World Champion pilot Natasha Belmondo for over a year now, and it seems Oldfield's patience is wearing thin. In a recent article for 'Serious Global Politics', Oldfield writes, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm, I'm not listening." Humeau has yet to reply. 29-04-2160 : NEW F9000 SPONSORSHIP ANNOUNCED The F9000 Race Commission has announced a new sponsorship deal with the Aquax Dried Water™ Corporation. The deal, worth around $400 million over 2 years, gives Aquax full advertising rights along the outer perimeter ring fencing at all F9000 venues. As this fencing is located far away from public view, Aquax representatives will be permitted to accost spectators and verbally describe the appearance of these ads at 15 minute intervals prior to a race. However, they will not be allowed to show sketches. 04-05-2160 : TIGRON'S MAD 3 DAY PARTY Tigron Enterprises held a huge party in an abandoned cheese factory on the outskirts of Donetsk last week. With star pilot Omarr Khumala as guest of honour, the celebrity partygoers included actor Guff Hawkins, teenage singing sensation Tree Boy, supermodel Peely Prince, and raunchy British hit makers Hot Nonsense. High-spirited revellers enjoyed free supplies courtesy of the Imperial Diesel Vodka Corporation, though it was later discovered that inadvertent mercury contamination had hospitalised 76 of those in attendance. Still, a wild time was had by all, and the music was reportedly still playing 3 days later, before being brought to a halt by the local vice squad. 14-05-2160 : BROADWAY HIT 'EARTH SUCKS!' The latest musical smash to open on Broadway is 'Earth Sucks!', a spectacular show based on the world of anti-gravity racing. Written by Adderley McFadden and Winston Breeze, the show includes 'Zero G Dreamer', 'Top Of The League, Top Of The World', 'Flying For Your Love' and, 'Earth's Got A Hold Of My Feet'. While the show has already produced a hit single, it has taken a mauling from the critics, including many from the anti-grav press. Veteran commentator Staveley Peace called it "crap juice with a slice of crap on the side." Referring to the special anti-gravity effects, he said, "It's incredible how they make a guy hanging from the end of a rope look like he's quite literally hanging from the end of a rope." 'Earth Sucks!' is on now at the Metropolitan Music Theatre. 25-05-2160 : VAN-ÜBER PILOT MOBBED BY TEENAGE GIRLS Nami Mishima, second pilot with Van-Über Racing Development, is reported to be "shaken, but very flattered" after being mobbed by marauding teenage girls for the second time in a week. Mishima, currently on a publicity tour of college campuses in the US, was trapped by the screaming crowds uncontrollable crowds. Van-Über security personnel attempted to prise Mishima from the crowd's clutches, but were overpowered and had to stand back as State Law Enforcement officers arrived with tear gas. Asked if she was suffering from tear gas intoxication, one weeping teenager said, "What gas? I'm crying with happiness because Nami is here." Her team owner, Wolfgang Van-Über, commented, "They love her so much. It's crazy, but they can sense she has a pure heart." 28-05-2160 : OMARR KHUMALA REWARDED FOR VIOLENCE Following yet another stinging attack on Omarr Khumala by the Auricom team, in which they accused the controversial pilot of "benefiting financially from the use of illegal violence," a garbage operative at Tigron's team HQ has added his voice to the argument. He was apparently handed a sheaf of unshredded memos and told to "chuck them over someone's back fence or something, we don't need them". The top sheet read, "Omarr's aggression bonus should be in his account by Thursday. More cash will be on its way if he can wipe the smug grin off Pascale Rouser's irritating face and put her in hospital for the rest of the season." Khumala was not available for comment today, but his wife claimed he was visiting the local dogs' home, comforting lonely puppies. 02-06-2160 : FEISAR RECRUITS BABY PILOTS The FEISAR team have announced a new youth policy that they hope will help them discover the star anti-grav pilots of tomorrow on their own doorstep. "We're asking new mums and dads from the European Federation to donate their babies to FEISAR. All they have to do is bring them along before they're a year old, and we'll raise them through childhood, training them in anti-grav flying techniques for a few hours a day. Any kids that don't make the grade will be returned once they reach the age of 10, and the parents will be invoiced for the childcare costs." 04-06-2160 : JEALOUSY IN THE FEISAR TEAM FEISAR's second pilot, Carlos Beneto, continues to verbally attack his lead pilot, Daniel Johnson, fuelling rumours that he is about to quit the team. Referring to Johnson's excellent performance in the latest race, Beneto told reporters, "That guy's a fraud. Daniel Johnson can't park an anti-grav commuter cart, never mind fly a race ship. I reckon he's got some kind of wise old mentor who communicates with him from the spirit world and guides him round the circuit." Asked if he was simply going insane with jealousy, Beneto replied, "Yes." 10-06-2160 : ROBERTO SERGIO'S NEW SINGLE Roberto Sergio, lead pilot with G-Tech Systems, releases his new single next week. Called simply 'I'm Tasty', the track is already an underground smash in the seedy clubs of San Francisco and Amsterdam, and is now destined for mainstream success. That is, if the broadcast regulation bodies agree to certify the accompanying hologram movie for world-wide download. According to Dr. Smee McGee, Chief Censor with the Governmental Joy Reduction Forum, it contains scenes of "general enjoyment" and "festive utterances". He is known to frown on such material, and may well release it only for sale to the over-65's, scuppering the song's commercial chances. 05-07-2160 : F9000 CULTURE OF EXPLOITATION Natasha Belmondo, reigning world champion, has attacked what she calls "the culture of exploitation" prevalent in the F9000 Anti-Gravity Race Commission. In a speech to the Australian Anti-Grav Enthusiasts' Convention, she said, "The sickness at the heart of our sport has infected the whole governing body. All they want is more money, more spectacle, more corporate investors. They're not interested in nurturing pilots, looking after fans, or enhancing the beauty of the race. If things continue like this, anti-grav racing will become a pre-scripted piece of theatre dedicated to making money. But I promise you, when my racing days are over, I will stand for election and I'll return our sport to the hands of those who truly love it." Barratt Liddell, Chief Executive of the Race Commission, said, "Natasha has a good heart, but unfortunately she doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut." 06-07-2160 : NAOMI TURNER FAILS TIGRON TRANSFER Following weeks of rumours, Naomi Turner has sensationally failed to complete her expected mid-season transfer from G-Tech Systems to Tigron Enterprises. The Russian team have long been interested in Turner, and had offered her double her current fee plus a fashionable loft apartment near Moscow's stylish Cafe Turnip. The lure of a no-holds-barred celebrity was strong, but it seems, the money just wasn't enough. So Turner keeps her place as second pilot at G-Tech, although relations between her and the team leadership are now said to be "almost murderous". The Tigron team, however, are impressed. A spokesman said, "She's two-faced and downright nasty. And that's why we wanted her." 11-07-2160 : 'IDIOTS ON PARADE' – THE YEAR OF F9000 Acclaimed novelist Persimmon Cleve is to publish a book all about her experiences following anti-gravity racing last season. The writer, whose previous works include 'The Nauseating Feast', 'Roses For Thieves' and 'The Stain That Spoke', spent a year on the F9000 circuit, accompanying the teams to each venue, speaking to the pilots, watching the races and recording her thoughts every step of the way. The resulting book, 'Idiots On Parade', promises to be 'a personal account of one year at the heart of the madness'. Available on Wobbly Disc or Nasal Implant, it's out next month. And look out for the very limited Paper Edition only on sale outside the venue on race days! 28-07-2160 : VAN-ÜBER PLAGUED BY TECHNICAL PROBLEMS Nami Mishima of Van-Über Racing Development continues to suffer from the unexplained technical problems which have plagued her all season. The team's leading troubleshooter, Maynard Fletcher, reported in his latest post-race summary, "Nami's rear propulsion unit had been partly cut away with what looked to be a primitive hacksaw blade. The outer support ring had been pierced by a kebab skewer - there were traces of chilli sauce still present in the vicinity – and the fuel supply cable had been blocked by a lump of Tangy Lemon bubble gum. We're looking into it, but we can't say whether foul play is involved." 15-08-2160 : CLUES TO NAMI MISHIMA'S ASSASSIN The latest sabotage attack on Nami Mishima's anti-grav craft has revealed new clues as to the identity of the would-be assassin. In the most recent incident, her central control strut had been damaged in what appeared to have been a 'frenzied handbag attack' according to Van-Über engineers. In addition, red lipstick scrawl on the underside of the ship revealed the letter 'Z', and a heart pierced by an arrow. In a joint statement signed by the other pilots, except for Zala Wollf, there was a call for "an end to this senseless persecution of one of our number". Zala Wollf said she had been out of the room when the statement had been signed and no one had told her about it. 16-08-2160 : WILL SONGEN GREY RETIRE? Wolfgang Van-Über, owner of Van-Über Racing Development, has appealed to his lead pilot Songen Grey not to retire at the end of the season. "I love all team," he said, "but Songen brings something very special to the race. He brings clarity, honour and fastidious personal hygiene to this corrupt and unclean sport. I respect his private aims and ambitions, but it would make me the happiest man in the world if he would stay. Especially as he has a good chance of becoming world champion this season." Replying, Grey pointed at a passing cloud and said, "Like that fluffy water, I will never truly disappear." And with that he was gone. 21-08-2160 : NEW VAN-ÜBER TOILETRIES Wolfgang Van-Über has added another item to his range of S and D men's toiletry products. "The latest addition is a new type of underarm gel', he explains in the latest issue of 'Smells Nice', the toiletry trade paper. You smear it on with a special trowel, and it brings 24-hour freshness without stickiness or odour." The S and D products, which were introduced by Van-Über 3 years ago and which are now the biggest sellers in the men's market, include a facial scrub made of Norwegian gravel, a shampoo derived from monkey sweat, and a breath freshener that imparts the sweet scent of newly mown grass. Category:Universe